A reader encouraged me to tell the rest of my story. After all, I did leave you hanging, didn’t I.
What was the game again?
Essentially it boiled down to a power exchange role play game with my wife. I was playing the Top, and she the bottom. These games are very common with many couples from what I read. Variations include sex with your partner tied down, handcuffed, blindfolded… anything where one partner agrees to submit to the other. Usually, various rules and limits are in place. My belief is that is must always be consensual. Some couples do it to have fun, act out fantasies, and create intimacy through excitement, trust, and laughter. Of course, it doesn’t appeal to everyone.
Where were we?
“C” had committed to playing our orgasm control game. Was her commitment coerced? Maybe a little. Let’s say I strongly encouraged her. It’s important to note that the game was my idea, my fantasy, my rules. I’m the one whose kinky, naughty side wanted to play a game of power exchange, albeit a mild one.
I had a plan to take it slowly. This would give us time to talk through our feelings after each little step.
I would walk C through various stages of control. First step – C would be required to ask for permission to come. Even though permission would be given, our first step would establish a protocol of “request/consent”. Next step – C would be required to wait longer and longer periods, enjoying a sweet orgasm only if/when I gave my permission. Fun, eh? I imagine it would be for two kink-minded people.
So… what happened?
Well, there was one big fundamental flaw in my plan. C is not kinky. In fact, she doesn’t seem to enjoy any kink. She a vanilla girl through and through. No wild fantasies. No desires to be spanked, fucked in the woods, dressed up, or tied down.
And it turns out, you can’t make a person kinky. It took me 20 years to learn that. Really. I tried one “fun” thing after another – dice games, photos, lingerie, chastity, bondage. Kink is my thing for sure. I fantasize about all kinds of kinky play. But my efforts to change her – to be more like me – or find a kink we can both enjoy only resulted in my disappointment and feelings of resentment.
Let me qualify that last paragraph. Since each person is different, their lists of sexual likes and dislikes will be different as well. Sure, some women (and men) will eventually come to enjoy things like anal play, for instance. But don’t count on it. People’s sexual tastes change very little in my experience.
Enough with the lecture. What happened?
Well, I once again found myself disappointed. C didn’t seem all that interested in having an orgasm after all. She could wait… and wait… and wait. Not much fun. My “control” was nonexistent. She didn’t want to be stimulated. I pondered, “Do I insist she let me go down on her? Do I insist she try to orgasm?” Once the disappointment showed on my face, we were done. You just can’t make it fun at that point.
I marked up Female Orgasm Control as another kink that just didn’t work for us. Etch this in your brain: if a kink doesn’t work for one partner, it doesn’t work for both.
As I said previously, it’s clear to me – finally – that she’s not kinky. Before my “she’s not kinky” epiphany, we tried a variety of new activities – spanking, rope, Master/slave role play, photos. We even tried watching others play. After all, if they’re having fun doing those things, why wouldn’t we? Each one got the X.
Clearly, many others are going through the same thing I’m going through. I’ve read a number of bloggers who continue to try bringing out their partner’s kinky side, “topping from the bottom”, accepting a half-hearted effort as success. I find myself thinking, “Can’t you see your partner’s just not into it?” But what can they do? They are kinky. It just doesn’t go away. They want to act it out. It’s just who they are.
It doesn’t mean anyone in the relationship is wrong. Sometimes they’re just different. Our culture will ask you, “What are you NOT doing for your spouse?” And tell you, “Stop thinking only about yourself. Maybe she’s just tired, overworked, or not appreciated.” But what if a couple is just different sexually? Know one is to blame. Know one is wrong. Know one needs to be fixed.
I’m not always happy, but I don’t want a divorce. I just have too much to loose, including the love of a caring, smart, beautiful woman who I truly want to be with the rest of my life.
Even with all the good qualities one’s spouse may possess, you can’t get around this fact. If you can’t be content with your spouse as they are, and they don’t want to change/grow in this area, your resentment will hurt the marriage.
For those who are still single, the best you can do is find a partner who is similar to yourself. Good luck with that. We all know, once you fall in love with a caring, smart, beautiful woman who wants 2.5 kids same as you, that you don’t consider “Do you like wearing high heels to bed?” a game changer.
For me and others in a similar situation, I can’t say I have a good solution. Some consider divorce. Some just fantasize and masturbate (after a number of years this is not so satisfying). And some have an affair. Some even discuss open marriage. The pros/cons list for each one could fill a book (and I have read several). Church and culture will sway some people’s decision. But I see many flaws in the lessons society and institutions try to teach us. It’s never black and white. Never. Therefore, I don’t think I’d find it helpful to read opinions from others on what I should do.
I will decide privately what is right for me.
Thank you so much, reader, for allowing me to share a seemingly silly, yet important chunk of my life. I hope you have fun as you pursue your own desires.