Let Me Explain What Happened

A reader encouraged me to tell the rest of my story.   After all, I did leave you hanging, didn’t I.

What was the game again?

Essentially it boiled down to a power exchange role play game with my wife.  I was playing the Top, and she the bottom.  These games are very common with many couples from what I read.  Variations include sex with your partner tied down, handcuffed, blindfolded…  anything where one partner agrees to submit to the other.  Usually, various rules and limits are in place.  My belief is that is must always be consensual.  Some couples do it to have fun, act out fantasies, and create intimacy through excitement, trust, and laughter.  Of course, it doesn’t appeal to everyone.

Where were we?

“C” had committed to playing our orgasm control game. Was her commitment coerced?  Maybe a little.  Let’s say I strongly encouraged her.  It’s important to note that the game was my idea, my fantasy, my rules.  I’m the one whose kinky, naughty side wanted to play a game of power exchange, albeit a mild one.

I had a plan to take it slowly.  This would give us time to talk through our feelings after each little step.

I would walk C through various stages of control.  First step – C would be required to ask for permission to come.  Even though permission would be given, our first step would establish a protocol of “request/consent”.  Next step – C would be required to wait longer and longer periods, enjoying a sweet orgasm only if/when I gave my permission.  Fun, eh?  I imagine it would be for two kink-minded people.

So… what happened?

Well, there was one big fundamental flaw in my plan.  C is not kinky.  In fact, she doesn’t seem to enjoy any kink.  She a vanilla girl through and through. No wild fantasies.  No desires to be spanked, fucked in the woods, dressed up, or tied down.

And it turns out, you can’t make a person kinky.  It took me 20 years to learn that.  Really.  I tried one “fun” thing after another – dice games, photos, lingerie, chastity, bondage.   Kink is my thing for sure.  I fantasize about all kinds of kinky play.  But my efforts to change her – to be more like me – or find a kink we can both enjoy only resulted in my disappointment and feelings of resentment.

Let me qualify that last paragraph.  Since each person is different, their lists of sexual likes and dislikes will be different as well.  Sure, some women (and men) will eventually come to enjoy things like anal play, for instance.  But don’t count on it.  People’s sexual tastes change very little in my experience.

Enough with the lecture.  What happened?

Well, I once again found myself disappointed.  C didn’t seem all that interested in having an orgasm after all.  She could wait…  and wait…  and wait.  Not much fun.  My “control” was nonexistent.   She didn’t want to be stimulated.  I pondered, “Do I insist she let me go down on her?  Do I insist she try to orgasm?”  Once the disappointment showed on my face, we were done.  You just can’t make it fun at that point.

Lessons Learned?

I marked up Female Orgasm Control as another kink that just didn’t work for us.  Etch this in your brain:  if a kink doesn’t work for one partner, it doesn’t work for both.

As I said previously, it’s clear to me – finally – that she’s not kinky.  Before my “she’s not kinky” epiphany, we tried a variety of new activities – spanking, rope, Master/slave role play, photos.  We even tried watching others play.  After all, if they’re having fun doing those things, why wouldn’t we?  Each one got the X.

Clearly, many others are going through the same thing I’m going through.  I’ve read a number of bloggers who continue to try bringing out their partner’s kinky side, “topping from the bottom”, accepting a half-hearted effort as success.  I find myself thinking, “Can’t you see your partner’s just not into it?”  But what can they do?  They are kinky.  It just doesn’t go away.  They want to act it out.  It’s just who they are.

It doesn’t mean anyone in the relationship is wrong.  Sometimes they’re just different.  Our culture will ask you, “What are you NOT doing for your spouse?”  And tell you, “Stop thinking only about yourself.  Maybe she’s just tired, overworked, or not appreciated.”  But what if a couple is just different sexually? Know one is to blame.  Know one is wrong.  Know one needs to be fixed.

I’m not always happy, but I don’t want a divorce.  I just have too much to loose, including the love of a caring, smart, beautiful woman who I truly want to be with the rest of my life.

Even with all the good qualities one’s spouse may possess, you can’t get around this fact.  If you can’t be content with your spouse as they are, and they don’t want to change/grow in this area, your resentment will hurt the marriage.

Conclusion

For those who are still single, the best you can do is find a partner who is similar to yourself.  Good luck with that.  We all know, once you fall in love with a caring, smart, beautiful woman who wants 2.5 kids same as you, that you don’t consider “Do you like wearing high heels to bed?” a game changer.

For me and others in a similar situation, I can’t say I have a good solution.  Some consider divorce.  Some just fantasize and masturbate (after a number of years this is not so satisfying).  And some have an affair.  Some even discuss open marriage.  The pros/cons list for each one could fill a book (and I have read several).  Church and culture will sway some people’s decision.  But I see many flaws in the lessons society and institutions try to teach us.  It’s never black and white.  Never.  Therefore, I don’t think I’d find it helpful to read opinions from others on what I should do.

I will decide privately what is right for me.

Thank you so much, reader, for allowing me to share a seemingly silly, yet important chunk of my life.  I hope you have fun as you pursue your own desires.

She Made a Commitment

After C’s unstoppable orgasm, I decided to take a different approach.  We’ll take it one step at a time. Read details of the approach here.

Step 1 of 5: C will be allowed to orgasm but will need to ask permission first. When I say yes, she can come. For this to work, she will need to commit to it, and not throw the rules out the window.

This approach will teach C to ask for consent just before she comes. Ideally, she will stay close to coming even when consent is not given right away.

I talked to C about slowing down and incorporating my new ideas.

She was a bit nervous. She argued that she enjoys masturbating. And she is bothered that someone would be in charge of when she comes.

I explained that she will still come, but that she will be extending the time that she is excited. It will feel great. It will be a fun game.

“I need to know it you will commit to it.”

“It makes me anxious.”

“It will be fun. You’ll still have an orgasm, only you’ll have to ask me before you have it.”

She thought about it for a minute.

Finally – “I’ll commit to it.”

My New Approach to Female Chastity

I may have put the cart before the horse. I was expecting C to work up to an orgasm, then stop just short of it, completely on her own.

I didn’t realize I was missing a few steps until I read a post in A Married Woman’s Guide blog (yah, it’s not written for men but it was useful).

5 progressive steps to learning orgasm control:

  1. The partner will ask before having an orgasm (the request). A yes is given (the consent), right away. And they may come.
  2. Again, the partner will ask, but they will not be given permission to come for seconds or minutes.
  3. Permission to orgasm will not be given for one session.
  4. Permission will not be given for a few sessions.
  5. A date (up to a month away) will be chosen and kept secret. An orgasm will only be allowed on this date.

Each step may be practiced over several sessions before moving on to the next. Steps can be taken fast or slow, or skipped entirely. Please read A Married Woman’s Guide blog for details on this approach.

Request/consent is the main concept to learn. It must be agreed upon by both partners and a commitment must be made.

The approach will require practice to avoid slipping back into old habits. The requesting partner must gain control of their stimulation responses by slowing down or stopping just prior it orgasm. The consenting partner must learn to say no.

It may be hard to delay or withhold consent of your partner’s orgasm. You may feel you owe them. You don’t want to deprive them of the pleasure of an orgasm. Or it may seem unfair.

The goal is to lengthen their excitement and build a heightened anticipation of your next love making session. And the anticipated orgasm may be well worth the wait.

Keep it fun. Your relationship does not depend on it. It is just a game. Remember that a slip is not a failure. It only means you need more practice.

She Came

C agreed to let me shave her tonight. This is an activity that I love. It is so intimate. And the results are very sexy.

After we cleaned up, I told C I was going to fuck her. I sucked on her nipples, then I slowly moved the tip of my tongue over the tip of her clit, hitting it on the way up and the way down. C asked me to remember this spot because she liked it so much.

She asked me to put it in. C used a little bullet on her clit while I pumped and licked her nipples. She can take a lot of stimulation on her nipples only when we are making live.

I reminded her she is not allowed to come. No complaints.

I got really excited thinking about her not being allowed to come. I had a hard time holding back my own orgasm. But I wanted to wait until the end.

I could hear her getting more excited. I was pumping her and licking her nipples. This combination often gets her off. I reminded her again not to come.

She came.

It was strong. And it seemed to last longer than usual. The intensity in her face was magnificent.

I held her. The afterglow lasted a while.

She wanted me to come. We began to discuss her supposed chastity, which turned me on. I put it in again. It was getting late so C decided to try the bullet vibrator on me. She used it on my favorite spot and pumped me with her hand. That was a great combination. My orgasm was very strong.

I told her she was not supposed to come. What happened?

“It felt so good. I just had to come.”

“When you were getting close didn’t you think you should stop?”

“I just thought, fuck it. I want to come. It was feeling so good.”

“But you agreed you wouldn’t come for a week.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.”

I told her I’d have to punish her for coming. Of course, we never agreed that an infraction would result in a punishment. According to her, we never even agreed to play a game. Was she just having fun with me?

Before I say more, please understand that I love that she came. I’ve been hoping to get her excited for several days. And she did tonight in a big way. I’m wondering if the talk of her having to hold back actually got her more excited. We had a beautiful moment together.

So what to do. Apparently, we were not in agreement on what we both wanted. Would she agree to try again?

I’m thinking, what we did was wonderful. It was really C’s first attempt to hold back her orgasm. Hopefully we’ll be making love again soon and she may be a little more mindful of the rules.

Now I need to think of a punishment that we’ll both love.

Can I Get Her Turned On?

Since the day we started our game of female chastity I have not gotten C turned on and excited. At least not in a noticeable way. This is becoming frustrating for me, and I’m not the one being denied.

I tried to get her comfortable and relaxed. I tried to stimulate her entire pussy to get the blood flowing. I touched her softly the way she likes. So why didn’t she seem to be getting turned on?

She is usually so in her head. And she has good reason to be with work, family and other responsibilities. I don’t know if I can stop the tape from running in her head.

I could try to get her to place her attention more on her body. I’ve heard that light pinching, spanking, and biting can work. Maybe I’m just too gentle. This will be a bit of a risk. But the more I think about it, the more I like it. Yes. It’s perfect.

What if she really can go a week or two without an orgasm? Even when I’m stimulating her. That’s not possible, is it?

Her First Tease. Not What I Expected.

We had plans last night to do our first tease session. I prepared the bed with a towel, pillows, and lube.  Then I dimmed the lights.

I asked her to get in bed and remove her panties. She seemed worried or tired, not sure which. She asked if I could just massage her instead of tease. I said sure. I hadn’t given her a genital massage in a while and I wanted it to be enjoyable for her. So a slow gentle massage it was.

I got into position – the do position (as I’ll describe in another post). We talked a bit and I slowly began massaging her lips. I spent a lot of time on them hoping to draw her attention to her pussy and get her excited. Then I headed closer to her clit. I circled it for a while before eventually moving directly over her clit with one gentle finger. My movements were hardly noticeable. She enjoys this kind of light touching.

This was going to be as much tease as she was going to get tonight. As I continued a light slow wiggle in my finger, we talked.

C said she was feeling anxious. She continued as I listened and told her I appreciated knowing how she was feeling. She said she felt like something bad was going to happen.  But she realized it had nothing to do, directly, with what we were doing.  She has never verbalized this to me before.  This was clearly an anxiety that stemmed from something she dealt with at a much younger age.

I will work on making her feel comfortable and cared for during our sessions. I would like for her to enjoy the intimacy as much as I do.

I asked that we try again tomorrow. She was reluctant, but she didn’t say no.

Female Chastity and My Wife: A Good Match.

So why would a non-kinky woman who demands very little in the bedroom be OK with trying female chastity?

I was shocked at first when she agreed to try it. Here are the reasons why I think she said yes.

First, female chastity (orgasm denial is a more correct term) relieves her of the feeling she has to orgasm if we start to get intimate. Sometimes when I initiate she doesn’t want to be stimulated because she knows her head will not be in and an orgasm would be a slim possibility. Sometimes an orgasm can seem like work to her when she is not in the mood.

Secondly, C likes to stimulate me and give me orgasms. I actually like them too. There is nothing to stop that from happening. I’m not sure I understand it, but she will bend over and let me fuck her just because she thinks I’m really needing it. But what she never seems to pick up on is that I also have a very strong need to satisfy her. This is another topic for another day.

Third, the control and power exchange involved in orgasm denial is very subtle. Being asked not to do something is so much more innocent than telling someone to do something.

Finally, it requires nothing new. She doesn’t have to learn a new stroking techniques or experience new sensations such as receiving the lashes of a whip. No new toys. No dressing up. Simple.